Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I don't get this

Emily Yoffe writes:
Hypersexualized clothing is not necessarily skimpy. Macy's sells the line by Kimora Lee Simmons, the ex of hip-hop impresario Russell Simmons, called Baby Phat. "This is gross," my [11 year old] daughter said, holding up a T-shirt. There was nothing provocative about the cut of the shirt, but embroidered in pink across the chest were the words "Baby Phat" under the large, stylized logo of a cat. My daughter doesn't understand the references this logo is clearly meant to evoke, but she instinctively knew wearing this shirt would be so wrong.

I guess the cat has some vaginal shapes in there...maybe? The cat is a pussy cat, which signifies pussy, which is slang for vagina? It's a vagina? I mean, seems like we're really stretching it here (like a vagina with a big ol' dick inside it), and how would the 11 year old know? This is why I wouldn't be a good father, I suppose, because to me that would be a perfectly acceptable shirt for a young girl to wear.

I'm sure my friends can think of other reasons why I wouldn't be a good father, such as my disdain for children.

A pile of dead babies

From the side alley bars to the halls of the opera house, everyone's heard this now classic joke:

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

The gift of a true comedian, of which I am not one, is to reinvent the wheel. Now, I don't mean you reuse the same jokes forever, but what I do mean is you have to keep people on their toes. If they can predict the joke, it's not funny. With suspense as well as with humor, an unexpected zinger is gold.

So what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

I've never made a raft out of a Cadillac.
I've never killed someone inside a pile of dead babies.
I don't buy Cadillacs from the clinic.
You can't eat a Cadillac for Thanksgiving.
I kidnapped your sister.

Feel free to add more in the comments.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Spy Who Came In from the Used Car Dealership

I was thinking about the guy that owned GMF Motors, "where we pay top dollar for your good running vehicle, paid for or not. I'm ready when you are." His used car commercials were huge in Las Vegas, and I was trying to find them on YouTube. Think Appliance Direct, but Nevada instead of Florida.

Instead, I found out* he is being investigated by the federal authorities because he is Iranian and spends half of every year in Iran. Oh what a tangled web we spin when we choose to be Middle Eastern.

Is he a threat to this country? Maybe, maybe not, I don't have all the facts. I just think it's a shame if he's being targeted simply because of his origin and continued connections thereof. Besides, it's not like we need a reason to distrust used car dealers. Doing otherwise would be...wakkie nu-nu!

*I'm not sure what year the story was written, but I figure it was published circa 2002. Dear KLAS, please date your articles.

Second only to March Madness

Fantasy Football season is about to begin, which is the one non-physical office activity everyone seems to get into outside of betting on college basketball. I'm a bigger fan of fantasy baseball, as I prefer baseball in general, but that doesn't mean I won't try my hand at it every season. Here are my draft results from today:

QB - Tony Romo, DAL
WR - Marques Colston, NO
WR - Mark Clayton, BAL
WR - Isaac Bruce, STL
RB - Reggie Bush, NO
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA
TE - Antonio Gates, SD
K - Josh Scobee, JAC
UTIL - Warrick Dunn, ATL (RB)
BENCH - Ben Roethlisberger, PIT (QB)
BENCH - Troy Williamson, MIN (WR)
BENCH - Randy McMichael, STL (TE)
BENCH - Jay Feely, MIA (K)

DEF - Baltimore Ravens
D - DeMeco Ryans, HOU
D - Lance Briggs, CHI
BENCH - Buffalo Bills (DEF)
BENCH - Antonio Pierce, NYG

I feel it's a pretty balanced draft overall, but I'm already worried about Ronnie Brown's playing time and Colston and Clayton's health. In fact, I drafted Ronnie Brown second, and while my gameplan was to draft two RBs in the first two rounds, to my defense I arrived late and the autopick had already chosen for me. Ah well, c'est la vie.