Saturday, August 30, 2008

Palin: Epic

I have my problems with Senator Joe Biden - namely the way he crushed consumers for the benefit of credit card companies - but with McCain's choice of Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate, Biden looks awesome. Palin is such a bad choice it is epic. Observe:

Before Palin became governor of Alaska in December of 2006, she served as a city council member and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, which had a population of 5,470 in 2000. The newly built Nationals Park in Washington, D.C., which is home to the Washington Nationals baseball team, seats 41,888 people. That is epic.

She hates gays and lesbians but claims that some of her best friends are fags, supports the death penalty, and is a life-long member of the NRA. Also, she's a failed beauty queen. Despite claims that she is sugar and spice and everything oh so nice, she is apparently a catty bitch. Can you feel it? It's epic.

She opposes freedom of choice and is a member of a group called "Feminists for Life," which doesn't focus on contraceptives for pre-pregnant women or social services for post-pregnant mothers, but instead believes that women should be forced to have babies. Sounds entirely feminist to me. Epic!

In her limited time as governor, she has already abused her position of authority in a criminal manner. She may be deposed by the Alaska Senate's Legislative Counsel Committee (or some feds, whatever) before the first VP debate. Epic? Surely!

Once said in regards to evolution versus creationism, "I am a proponent of teaching both." Epic.

Wants to open ANWR to drilling and does not believe climate change is man-made, arguing that a "changing environment will affect Alaska more than any other state, because of our location. I'm not one though who would attribute it to being man-made." More and more epic.

Her opinion on pot: "Palin doesn't support legalizing marijuana, worrying about the message it would send to her four kids. * * * Palin said she has smoked marijuana -- remember, it was legal under state law, she said, even if illegal under U.S. law -- but says she didn't like it and doesn't smoke it now." Stupid in a most epic manner.

Perhaps my favorite part of the governor is that she named her children Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig. If you met a black family and their children were named Shaniqua, Dijon, Lakeisha, Darnell, and Anfernee, you would probably snicker or have some level dismay. Her children's names are not any better. On the richter scale of terrible, her children's names reached epic proportions.

Sarah Palin: the perfect Republican woman, and an epic disaster of a human being.

EDIT 4:34 PM: It would be EPIC if McCain won, then died before his term was up. How would she handle it? Why, she could watch Commander in Chief starring Geena Davis! It would be just like how (spoilers!) Frank Abagnale, Jr. learned to be a doctor in Catch Me if You Can.

By the way, how laughable is it that they divided the one and only season of Commander in Chief into two separate DVD packages? Parts 1 and 2? That in itself is epic! A perfect fit!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Run from your brain

As Rock Band connects today's youth with music they were previously unaware of, I am beginning to hear a very stupid comment in connection with an Iron Maiden song called Run to the Hills. I've heard this same comment twice in the presence of many other people, and it was not contradicted by anyone. The comment goes something like this (dramatized for the children):

Joe (Average): That Iron Maiden song is really stupid.
Me: Oh? Why?
Joe: Because of the lyrics.
Me: What about them?
Joe: They're a white band singing about the plight of the native americans.

This baffles my neural processor. Even ignoring that this song has been around for longer than 25 years and it didn't seem to bother people before, I don't know why this is an issue. Are today's music fans that bankrupt with their imagination? Was the Lord of the Rings triology stupid because Tolkien wasn't a hobbit? Was Raiders of the Lost Ark less enjoyable because Spielberg wasn't an archeologist? Was Secret Agent Man not as cool because Sloan and Barri weren't spies? Is The Persistence of Memory less evocative because Dali never melted clocks?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Another ABBA related post, John McCain style

I'm sure everyone has seen this by now, but I was travelling around, so I didn't have a chance to comment on it. And God damn it, I really want to say something. Obama and McCain('s campaign teams) release their top ten songs, and they're garbage. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? I'm going to even ignore ABBA appearing first and third on McCain's list...actually, I'm not. First of all, it's tacky to list the same band twice on your favorites list. Usually the idea of these lists is to provide a little diversity, not to say "I like every ABBA song especially Fernando!" Second, putting Dancing Queen as your number one song is only acceptable if you are putting together a joke list which also includes Lucky Star by Madonna and Only in my Dreams by Debbie Gibson. Third, McCain spends 5 1/2 years getting beaten and having diarrhea, and when he makes it back to the States he hears ABBA and goes, "this shit is fucking good." What?

Then the rest of his list...baffling, really. Streisand? Sinatra? We already know you're old. What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong? Is there a more irritating song in human existance?

As for Obama's, it's fairly blah. City of Blinding Lights by U2 is a more recent song of their's that I genuinely like, but that may be their least offensive song. The whole list is fairly uninspired. How about Fear of a Black Planet by Public Enemy? That would have shaken up some shit with voters.

I got to thinking about what my choices would be. Obviously if I was running for president, a) no one would ask me, and b) ... well, there's really no point to go beyond that. Nevertheless, I tried to make a list that reflects my tastes. I was going to toss in Bruce Springsteen's Streets of Philadelphia as a way to appeal to baby boomers and also make them uncomfortable with a song about dying from AIDS, but I don't really like the Boss or baby boomers enough to put Springsteen in my top ten.

1. In My Darkest Hour - Megadeth
2. Stargazer - Rainbow
3. Savage - Judas Priest
4. Patterns - Devo
5. Fake Healer - Metal Church
6. Powersurge - Overkill
7. World of Pain - Cream
8. Death or Glory - Holocaust
9. Death Squad - Sacred Reich
10. Restless & Wild - Accept

I'm presidential material, all right. Feel free to make fun of my picks, or share your own so I can mock your taste in music.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In my spam box, entertainment

I found these email headlines sitting in my junk mail:
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Bush Down to 8 Friends on Myspace
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Nation Morns The Tragic Loss Of Britney Spears
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: [video] Cindy Mccain Talks About Her Boobs
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: McCain's Op-Ed on Iraq Rejected by The 'Pennysaver’
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: What do Somalia, Long John Silver and the U.N. have in common?
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Bins to be collected just once a year
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Copycat murderer beheads woman on Greyhound bus
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Mary-Kate Olsen implicated in Heath Ledger's death
If only MSNBC was as entertaining.