Saturday, December 27, 2008

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

An ode to Noel

An original composition inspired by the holiday spirit. Cheers.

The season's quite oppressive,
The days become depressive,
It's Christmas time again.

Thoughtless consumerism mixed -
With an economy far from fixed,
Stockings empty in the den.

Hollow sentimentality,
Empty wishes of mirth and glee,
Put on a false facade.

People starving in the cold,
Commercials asking for your gold,
Do you believe in God?

Hoodlums ransacking mangers,
Spouses that act like strangers,
It feels a bit frosty.

Santa Claus is the first lie,
Not the last before we die,
Let's decorate the tree!

Family members that irritate,
Or loneliness that won't abate,
Gonna need the corkscrew.

A gift with no thought put in,
Better than being forgotten,
Either way, the joke's on you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

When is a Christmas movie a Christmas movie?

Tis (read: it is) the season when many holiday films are broadcast on television. Scrooged, It's a Wonderful Life, Home Alone, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Bad Santa, A Christmas Story, Santa Claus: The Movie, Jingle All the Way, etc., etc., etc. I'm sure you can rattle off more.

Sometimes, a movie gets lumped in with Christmas just because it takes place during the holiday season. The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen, is obviously a Christmas movie, because if you take the Christmas aspects away from the film, it does not stand on its own. It can't. It's about Santa. Well, I guess it could stand on its own, but it would just be about a man that gets really fat, talks to dwarves and delivers presents to children. It really changes the feel of the film.

However, a film like Die Hard is often grouped together with other Christmas productions, but Die Hard doesn't need Christmas. Bruce Willis can fight terrorists any time of year. It's not like he's killing Hans with a sharpened candy cane or grenades of holly.

There are some gray areas. It's a Wonderful Life and Home Alone could be arguable. Certainly Home Alone could have worked in the summer time if you replace ornaments with martini glasses. It's a Wonderful Life may need that Christmas thing more than Home Alone, but suicide and angels are hardly only for Christmas.

Overall, it makes me wonder, what is the true meaning of Christmas movies? I think, during this special time of year, it is a question all of us should reflect on.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Festival of Lights

An original composition featuring near accurate rhyming.

On Kislev's 25th sunset
Latkes and Sufganiyot
Enjoyed by the menorah
Opposite the mezozah
Fershtay!

With the light from the shamash
The diaspora have a bash
Gambling with wooden dreidel
Drinking wine from Israel
Fershtay!

So come on wear your yarmulkes
'Cause now it's time for Chanukah
Come on drop your pants with pride
If you have been circumsized
Fershtay!

Friends, won't you join us tonight
For our festival of lights?
We don't need the Jesus Christ
For our festival of lights

McArdle-esque holiday gift guide

In the spirit of Megan McArdle's Electronics Gift Guide, I've created my own list of tech for you to buy for your friends or loved ones (or yourself LOL stfu):

1) Blackberry Curve. These things are totally sweet. It's a phone, but it does a lot of other stuff, too. Full QWERTY keyboards leave my panties soaked.

2) Apple MacBook. Yeah, the hype is true. These things are really cool. Unlike desktop computers, these are smaller, but also better.

3) Sony Bravia KDL-55XBR8. This is the best flat-panel LCD on the market. Great picture quality, and really big. Works great with Blu-Ray.

4) Nintendo DS. You can play video games on this, which is like the future.

5) Aliph Jawbone 2. Although this is a business write-off for me, if you like bluetooth headsets, then this is for you. Holding your phone is now a thing of the past.

6) Welch Allyn SureTemp Plus 690 Electronic Rectal Thermometer. With 9 feet of reach, this thermometer allows extensive anal probing with precise digital readouts.

7) Sony Portable Reader. With the prevalence of poor people in libraries, buying books is essential, but even the nicest metropolitan apartments don't have enough room for hardcovers and paperbacks. With this digital book reader, you can download and read all of your favorite novels on the bus.