Monday, January 19, 2009

Do apes have cougars?

Due to the fact that I desperately need to feed my ego with the love and attention I never get from society, I get Google alerts whenever someone links to my blog. In terms of accuracy, it's like lil' Stevie Wonder trying to throw a baseball over the plate, but only after he was beaten up by men with golf clubs, and the baseball was stapled to his hand. I received an email alert today, which only said:
Look Im Hairy 04
"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these." ... ChrisV82's Hairy Blogsack: Not a surprise. ChrisV82's Hairy Blogsack. ...
I don't remember saying something like that, but only because I'm not Publius Ovidius Naso, also known as Ovid, the Roman poet who, ironically enough(?), was born in ancient times.

In any event, I went to the website out of curiousity. I saw nothing linking to or mentioning my site, but I did see a porno DVD for "Look I'm Hairy" volume 4, with the tagline "no beating around the bush." Isn't that the point of buying the DVD? "If you want to see the hairiest p*ssies around, don`t miss this DVD." Hairy pissies? What the hell is that?

Speaking of the hirsuite, over in Hungary, The Budapest Zoo performed surgery on a 32 year old gorilla named Liesel to look for a tumor on her right ovary. As you can imagine, this surgery is not particularly common. The surgeons found no tumor, so additional "exams will be needed to determine why the mother of three — Dango, Gorka and Ebobo — has not given birth since 2000." The article didn't bother to specify whether or not the old woman is still having sex and, if yes, if the elderly can actually give birth. The average lifespan of a gorilla is approximately 30 years old, so maybe the old dear is tired of passing bowling balls between her vulva. Seriously, I never asked my grandmother why she stopped having children in her 30s.

If Liesel could talk, she would probably tell them to piss off. Unfortunately, I have not seen many simians that could talk, outside of humans. There's the occassional super villain, author and welfare recipient. Of course, there was also Caesar, the chimpanzee that eventually led a rebellion of apes against the facist human government in the 1990s.

Caesar was the son of Cornelius and Zira, two of the chimps from the legendary science fiction film Planet of the Apes, which featured a solid cast, great score, and engaging plot. That movie produced four sequels and one remake, each one more terrible than the previous. I won't give away too many spoilers, but in the third and fourth movies, Señor Armando (played by the late Ricardo Montalbán) was the owner of a circus that helped Caesar grow up incognito and hidden from the human government. The human government was experimenting on apes and forcing them into slave labor, thus building the resentment in Caesar that caused him to become the leader of the resistance.

All I'm saying is, digging around for non-existant tumors because you want elderly gorillas to be endless baby making machines is a pretty good way to cause the human race to be overthrown by disgruntled apes.