Saturday, May 14, 2011

Barely literate



Nudity is quite popular with the masses. Ever since Adam and Eve covered up their porcelain white skin 6,000 years ago, humans have been trying to uncover the forbidden fruit hidden beneath our fabric fortresses. I recently learned about Naked Girls Reading, which is exactly what you would expect it to be based on the name.

I enjoy voyeurism as much as the next pervert, but something about these nude projects seem off. I mean, do I want to see naked women? Sure. Does seeing naked women paint in the nude make painting more exciting? I'd argue no. I would much rather see a pro covered than an amateur naked, whether it be tennis or barbecuing.

There is a Canadian-based program called Naked News which involves anchors and reporters stripping down to the buff while reporting on actual current events. I was very intrigued when this first came out a number of years ago, but I quickly realized it wasn't all that exciting. If the women could have sex with each other and still tell me about the declining American dollar, that would be impressive.

Some of these nude tasks encourage consumer participation. For example, there are nude hairdressers, naked bakers, and topless housekeepers. My problem with these entrepreneurs is that if they were not only qualified but good at what they do, they wouldn't need the nude gimmick. The people that have to do their work in the nude need it to make up for the fact that otherwise, they just aren't good enough to draw regular business.

I don't need to strip down to do my job. In fact, I think they pay me extra to keep my pants on.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Bad Sandwich



Growing up, Weird Al Yankovic was my favorite musician. Unlike most people, I was not particularly interested in music growing up. I listened to the radio and had a few LPs, usually children oriented (presumably some chipmunk travesty). I also remember my first CD, which I got in 1993. It was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. After that, though, it was a string of Weird Al albums. At that point in my life, I was more interested in humor than music.

When Weird Al does well, he really nails it. In some instances, I prefer the reworking better than the original. Sometimes, though, Weird Al just missed the mark.

There was some controversy regarding Yankovic's cover of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," in that Lady Gaga initially did not approve. Weird Al essentially requires that the artists approve his work, which helps assure that it will never be satirical. In fact, Yankovic's parody of Gaga's song is essentially a tribute, neither funny nor clever, just a lazy description of what Lady Gaga does.

I though I could take ten minutes and do a better song, so I gave it a go with "Bad Romance":

I want pastrami
I want cheddar cheese
I want American
And maybe some brie
and pimento loaf
(Loaf loaf loaf pimento loaf)

I want gorgonzola
A slice of some ham
I want your olive-studded meat made with spam
I want your loaf
Loaf loaf loaf
I want your loaf

You know that I want it
And you know that I need it
I want it bad, your bad sandwich


I had to stop for two reasons. One, I was basically rewriting "Eat It" and "The Rye or the Kaiser." Two, the lyrics to the original song are terrible. There's nothing to parody because there are hardly any words, and they repeat ad nauseam.

Maybe it is hard to parody a Lady Gaga song. Maybe Weird Al gave it his best shot. If your best doesn't cut it, though, then it's time to say no.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A terminated lease on life



New Jersey Landlord Tenant law is governed by The Anti-Eviction Act. Under the Act, a tenant can only be evicted for one of the reasons specifically stated (some people do not fall under the Act and thus can be evicted for other reasons, such as if the landlord lives in the same house with three or fewer renters). There are various reasons, but one of them must be met. You can't evict someone because she is ugly or because he likes Ke$ha.

You also cannot evict someone just because the lease ends. In fact, leases automatically renew in New Jersey. This created a puzzle. Why does a landlord have the ability to terminate a lease with the appropriate amount of notice (usually 30 days) if that is not one of the ways a landlord can evict someone under the Act?

Like a robot attacking a Rubik's Cube, I used mathematical precision and cold, unfeeling logic to come up with two answers. The biggest reason a landlord would want to terminate a lease is that he or she can then offer a new lease, and if all of the terms and changes are reasonable, then the tenant has to accept the new lease. One of the legal grounds to evict someone is for failure to accept reasonable changes to a lease when the existing lease ends. As such, if a tenant refuses to accept "reasonable changes," then the landlord can file for an eviction. However, it is worth noting that even after an eviction is filed, if the tenant accepts the changes and pays any money owed, that tenant can still avoid an eviction.

The other reason I could think of is that if the owner wants to move into the rental property and live there, a notice must be sent to the tenant at least two months before the eviction suit is filed. However, this notice can only be sent after the lease expires, hence why a landlord may want to send notice to end the lease. That would shorten the process. Why a landlord would want to move into a rental property is beyond me, since the landlords never make any repairs or upkeep and the tenants live like diseased rats, gnawing on walls and spreading small plagues with their filth. In fact, the vast majority of landlords would consider it some kind of punishment to live in the properties they maintain, similar to Joe Pesci in The Super.

Regardless of whether it is done by a landlord or a tenant, sending notice to terminate the lease does not require the tenant to move. Without a new lease or other notices, the tenancy agreement simply becomes a month-to-month tenancy. Hopefully with this information, you are now ready to create and end leases in New Jersey. Good luck!