ChrisV82's Hairy Blogsack

The land down under your pants

2012-01-16T11:32:00.003-04:00

One of Australia's top ten universities, Macquarie University in Sydney, has determined that it must undergo a campaign to instruct people in the proper way to use a toilet:

Posters put up by the university show a person standing on the toilet seat and squatting over the bowl with a line through it. Another crossed-out image shows a person squatting on the floor.

Students are taught how to use sanitary bins, how to flush the toilet and wash their hands in other parts of the diagram under the heading: Protecting each other, use of female toilets.

It is amazing how, even in the 21st Century, most countries are terribly behind in proper hygiene. Diarrhea kills more children than warfare and disease. Even in allegedly civilized countries like the United States and Great Britain, we suffer from outdated toilets flushing into centuries old sewer systems that routinely discharge untreated waste into freshwater, unintentionally or otherwise.

Last year I purchased The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters, and it has quickly become one of my favorite books. The importance involving defecation and how we deal with it is poo-pooed by the powers that be, yet it has a monumental impact on our health and sanitation. Even the most developed parts of the world are living with 19th century toilet standards. As mentioned before, less developed countries are knee deep, figuratively and literally, in shit.

It is important that people begin to realize the importance of dealing with fecal and urinary waste. Defecation is perhaps the last and greatest taboo of the world, even more than sex. And if you ask me, that's a load of crap.

Sometimes I just drop in to say hello

2012-01-11T00:34:00.001-04:00

Hello.

Ice world

2012-01-03T17:11:00.002-04:00

Germans in Mitterfirmiansreut have built a church made out of snow and ice. The holy igloo cost $200,000, which is nothing when you consider the Vatican is made entirely of marble, gold and jewels, but somewhat more galling when you realize Catholic schools, at least in the United States, are closing left and right. I wonder what is more important to the Catholics, a solid education or a gimmicky temple.

No matter what troubles the Catholic Church's various non-profit or charitable organizations go through, always remember that the pope will never live in a modest house or worship in a simple chapel. That humble shit was for Jesus, not the profiteers of the church.

Compare and Contrast: The Damned

2011-12-20T00:37:00.003-04:00

Back in 2007, I had a little feature called "Compare and Contrast," which would should the strange evolution of certain popular bands. Like all of my old work, it was both critically acclaimed and immensely popular. The original C&Cs include Kansas, Chicago, and Heart (don't bother clicking on those links if you want to hear music; none of the videos still work).

What was true with all three is that they started out as rough and tumble rock and roll and wound up as glam or glitzy pop. The same could be said of today's featured act, The Damned.

1979

1985

Although thematically related (elements of goth appear in both), musically the band drifted quite a bit, losing much of its hard edge.

These extreme examples play into a theory of mine, and perhaps thousands of other people as well, that the vast majority of rock bands (and all artists) lose their edge over time. Even bands in extreme genres of music tend to lose their raw intensity or even their originality. At the very least, bands are usually only influential in the early years of their career. Nearly every metal band can trace influences back to Black Sabbath or Judas Priest, but they're not going to cite the later years. By the time Judas Priest hit its commercial peak in 1982, the next generation of bands were already releasing their debut records and the innovative early work had settled into a more workable (yet still enjoyable) "formula" of sorts.

You take a young rock band, they write about what they know, and they tend to pay homage to their idols, the bands and artists that came before them. After a few years of success, the dirty and grit of the street has been replaced with limos and champagne. All of a sudden they're artists, creating music as a science and not as a passion...generally speaking. I'm not saying established bands stop making good music, but they tend to soften up or mature with age. There's a difference between being a 20 year old with anger and testosterone, sleeping in a van and playing gigs of 50 people, to being a 40 year old with a wife and kid and a posh bush that takes you to arenas of 50,000 people.

Perhaps, then, the bands that never make it big are the ones that retain the greatest bite, playing just to survive. Of course, the youthful force is gone, but the hardness remains.

If you think about other art forms, the similarities abound. Without going into too many details, rattle off some actors and contemplate their best films. Older actors tend to gravitate to family friendly movies, animated flicks and whatever lazy big budget affair that will pad their wallets. Again, not all of them, but a large enough number to satisfy the trend.

Older bands (and other artists) can still be creative, and I hope they do. Artists don't lose their creativity, it just evolves. I guess the dilemma is still producing stuff that not only appeals to the creator, but also to the audience as well. The piquancy of youth can never be maintained forever, but one can remain entertaining and imaginative. If success, wealth, and fame make you complacent or pacified, then you're done.

What's going on in the world of America?

2011-12-04T01:08:00.003-04:00

The people who run the United States are looking to do what's best for our children, so they suggest that we let kids work part time as janitors and meet their nutritional requirements by counting tomato paste as a vegetable.

Some of you may think that this is ridiculous. I say, sir, that you are ridiculous. Why do we cosset children? Because they are small? Spud Webb was small, and he won a slam dunk contest. Is it because they are inexperienced? Well, how do you learn if you don't dip your dick in a whore (I believe that is a common expression in Belfast). Is it because they are vulnerable? You can't toughen 'em up if you mollycoddle 'em.

If we're going to have children working and learning fractions, we can't have them wasting time trying to eat carrots and broccoli. Move the goalposts to make it easier. Hell, let's just say that if you're under 250 pounds, you're officially considered skinny. We already have vanity sizing, wherein clothing size is a lie, so why not just go whole hog? If you don't jiggle when you walk, you're un-American. Teach kids that in school, and maybe they'll get an education worth having.

Bavarian Creme Facial

2011-11-18T11:48:00.002-04:00

Cooking shows are highly sexual anyway, with the moans and savoring. In fact, cooking itself can be a sensual experience, and ofttimes food is incorporated into the moments leading up to the sexual mamba. Archeologists believe that cooking is what led to the modern sexual experience, where instead of clubbing women over the head, we go clubbing in the hopes of getting head. Bad joke? Clearly, but the facts are not in dispute - our evolution has turned the basic primal functions of defecating and fornicating into much enjoyed and sought after pleasures.

Penn State Top Rate Child Rape

2011-11-14T20:26:00.002-04:00

The coverage has not died down since the news of Jerry Sandusky's years of child rape broke through to the national media. For those of you who don't know, Sandusky was an assistant football coach at the Pennsylvania State University. He is accused of molesting children, going so far as to butt raping someone in a shower like some kind of warped prison fetishist. Rather than dealing with the problem, Penn State officials went into full Catholic Church mode and covered it up. Some officials have been indicted for lying to a grand jury, while university president Graham Spanier and football legend Joe Paterno (head coach since 1966) have both been fired.

Much press has been given to the legacy of the school and of Paterno, the sickness of Sandusky (allegedly!), the players, the community, people with degrees from the college and students working towards degrees. Probably the least amount of time has been paid to the children, which is fine. Do you know how many times I was raped in the ass as a child? Zero, because I knew better. I'm not saying that these kids deserved to be sexually assaulted, but they probably enticed Sandusky (allegedly!) into the rape. As a 2005 poll showed, 1/3 of British citizens think rape is 100% the woman's fault. Children are just smaller, dumber women.

The focus should rightly be on me and my kind. I went to the Pennsylvania State University and graduated many moons ago. Where is my sympathy? There are concerns that my degree may not be worth as much. The Penn State pride has been tarnished. There has been a lot of hate directed towards Penn State alum. This is not right. I demand an apology, not just for the real and imagined damage to my degree, but also to the fact that I even have to listen to people talk about the Penn State community. America's love affair with college football, sex scandals and child molestation has created the perfect storm of a news story. Like a child's post traumatic stress, it will not go away, it will not diminish, IT WILL NOT DIE.

Should the University reimburse me for the damages I have suffered? I think so. My television, radio and newspaper time has suffered due to excessive Penn State coverage. My educational reputation has taken a devastating hit, as now everyone will think I majored in Non-consensual Ass Fucking with a minor in Scandal Cover-Up. Worst of all, the hurt of these raped children (allegedly!) has rocked me to my core, and I am suffering a crisis of faith and love; I may never be able to trust again. Would $300,000 be enough to get me through my grief? It's not really about money, although that is a start.

I haft un videos to sharing with you

2011-11-08T12:31:00.000-04:00

This humachine

2011-10-12T00:17:00.002-04:00

As science marches on, a Japanese scientist has created a robot with autonomous thought. These machines can learn, evolve, and become self-aware. They...oh, wait, the article says the the robots can "look around their environment and do research on the Internet, enabling them to 'think' how best to solve a problem." That's it? The Japs made some mechanical teenagers who will loaf around looking at porn and write reports using Wikipedia as a primary source. Bugger that. Humans are so lazy even our robots are lazy.

Panasonic is helping along this laziness, creating robots that can wash your hair. This machine has 24 fingers to massage your scalp, but I've found ten human fingers to be sufficient. The odds of my own digits crushing my skull are much more in my favor than an android. I don't even think the robot is malicious, but judging on how lazy they are, the one doing my hair will get distracted by the football game on the television and jab a finger through my eye.

In the future war of man versus machine, it may end in a tie.

What's news? Anything!

2011-10-02T01:35:00.002-04:00

After logging out of my Yahoo! brand internet account, I noticed that one of Yahoo's highlighted stories was about Netflix's ten most rented films in its history. That hardly seems like compelling journalism, thought I, but I clicked on the link to check out how they handled this. To my surprise, they did one better than a mere article. The presentation was a slideshow. In other words, to find out what the most rented movies off Netflix are, I would have had to click something ten times, in addition to the already barely earned one click. That, my good sirs, is ten clicks too many.

Next up: the five most ordered ice cream flavors from Baskin Robbins.

Life on Roars

2011-09-26T23:34:00.001-04:00

Dinosaurs, like cowboys and astronauts, are the fascination of many a little boy, and more than likely some girls, as well. It's an acute interest that may diminish but never disappears, and so we have dinos in movies and television shows, from Gertie the Dinosaur in 1908 to The Lost World in 1960 to Jurassic Park in 1993, a plethora of paleontological prowess.

Tonight was the premiere of Terra Nova, a show about people who travel back in time and encounter dinosaurs. Think Land of the Lost but poorly written and not that interesting. I bring this up not to discuss the episode any further, but to point out that Jason O'Mara stars in the program. He was Sam Tyler in the US remake of Life on Mars, a fair if not lesser series than its predecessor. *cough* spoilers *cough* The American Life on Mars ended when Sam woke up in a space ship in the future. He was put into a deep sleep and supposed to be given dreams of the decades of the naughts, but due to a glitch was sent thirty years further back to the 70s.

I really hope this program ends the same way. I want O'Mara to wake up on the same spaceship and people are telling him he had a bad dream. In fact, every television program he does for the next ten years, I want them all to end the same way. It would be an amazing thing to behold.

No hero gunman

2011-09-06T23:20:00.002-04:00

Oftentimes we hear that gun violence can be prevented if people were allowed to freely carry around firearms of their own. For example, after the Virginia Teach shooting, it was asked whether allowing students and faculty to carry concealed weapons might have resulted in fewer deaths. Well, while not dispositive, we have a real life example in which a man with an AK 47 killed four and injured eight:

Witnesses and authorities described a frantic scene in the bustling business district, in which the shooter pulled into the large complex of retail stores and shops just before 9 a.m. in a blue minivan with a yellow "Support Our Troops" sticker on the back. He got out and immediately shot a woman near a motorcycle, a witness said.

Ralph Swagler said he grabbed his own weapon, but said it was too late to stop the shooter, who charged into the IHOP through the front doors.

"I wish I had shot at him when he was going in the IHOP," said Swagler, who owns Locals BBQ & Grill. "But when he came at me, when somebody is pointing an automatic weapon at you — you can't believe the firepower, the kind of rounds coming out of that weapon."

Surely Swagler wouldn't argue that automatic weapons should be banned! It seems more to the point that not only should everyone be able to carry a concealed weapon, but they should be allowed to carry a concealed automatic weapon, like, say, an Uzi.

1971

2011-09-03T16:55:00.000-04:00

A while ago, I shared some "proto-metal" bands from the early 70s. Well, here are some similar tracks which were released 40 years ago.

Possessed - Darkness, Darkness

Jeronimo - End of Our Time

Pluto - Down and Out

Felt - World

Speed Glue & Shinki - Stoned Out of my Mind

Cars that go boom

2011-08-21T09:00:00.003-04:00

Learning of the event too late to find a Bunny to accompany my Tygra, I was unable to attend a special function which had replica Batmobiles on a boardwalk and a showing of the 1989 Batman film on the beach. You can imagine my disappointment, almost like that time Mr. T was at the mall.

The Allure of Amour

2011-08-03T23:25:00.002-04:00

My deepest love is always in my thoughts, even though our moment has passed and she has moved on. Even now I still crave her touch, yearn for her warmth, to have her scent linger in my nose, if even for an instant. As all heartbroken poets have done, I took pen to paper and expressed my anguish in verse:

Went to the bathroom and took a poo,
I saw the shape and thought of "U"

PONPONPON

2011-07-25T23:21:00.001-04:00

Wurzel, gone!

2011-07-19T01:47:00.002-04:00

Michael Burston, better known as Würzel and a former guitarist in the band Motörhead, ist kaput. He died of a broken heart, or more accurately, ventricular fibrillation. He was 61 years old, so he was my mom's age.

My mom is still alive, though.

Infomania is current no more

2011-07-06T00:49:00.000-04:00

The last episode of Infomania will air July 15th. That's a damn shame, because it was a fine show. Oh, well. That's life.

Oops

2011-06-19T20:10:00.002-04:00

You gotta have faith:

In recent years, [Clarence] Clemons had been slowed by health woes. He endured major spinal surgery in January 2010 and, at the 2009 Super Bowl, Clemons rose from a wheelchair to perform with Springsteen after double knee replacement surgery.
[...]
Clemons said in a 2010 interview with The Associated Press then that he was winning his battles - including severe, chronic pain and post-surgical depression. His sense of humor helped. "Of all the surgeries I've had, there's not much left to operate on. I am totally bionic," he said. "God will give you no more than you can handle," he said in the interview. "This is all a test to see if you are really ready for the good things that are going to come in your life."

Clemons died yesterday.

Did someone die?

2011-06-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

I thought I heard someone died. Weird.

Crumbling metropolis

2011-05-30T16:42:00.003-04:00

Devastation comes in all forms:

America’s attention has been focused on the towns in Missouri, Kansas and Oklahoma that have been decimated by severe weather, and rightly so. The resulting death and heartbreaking scenes of utter devastation should move anyone with a shred of humanity.

Yesterday, as severe weather continued to pummel the heartland of America, I drove through Detroit taking photos of a different sort of devastation – the economic calamity that has destroyed entire neighborhoods in a once thriving city. What’s striking about the photos I took is their similarity to the images coming out of Joplin, Mo. and other towns struck by the recent rash of deadly tornadoes.
* * *
What’s the difference if a city is leveled by the weather, or by economics? What’s the difference if such destruction occurs gradually over time, or in a single horrific event? Why does one tragedy elicit sympathy and offers of financial assistance, while the other tragedy is the source of jokes and callous indifference?

That's an easy question to answer, I think. When a tornado or some other natural disaster hits, it is out of our control. When the destruction is caused by our own decisions, by the very system we live in and concede power to, then it's our own fault. We don't want to take responsibility, so we laugh it off, or blame others.

As the gap between the classes continues to grow, Detroit will not remain an isolated problem. Let us treat it as a warning.

Taking a dump in a dump is not as fun as you'd think

2011-05-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Many tenants in New Jersey find themselves living in rental units with unacceptable problems. The most common problem I see is mold, but there are all kinds of issues, ranging from insufficient heat to sewage bubbling through the front lawn. I swear that some areas like Browns [sic] Mills in Burlington County were built on top of underground shit springs, waiting to spew little fecal eruptions. Browns Mills also has more mold per inch than Roquefort cheese. In fact, Browns Mills is a place I would probably avoid. In any event, problems that affect living conditions are called "habitability issues," and New Jersey tenants have the right to have those problems corrected.

Unfortunately, most tenants do not know what to do. I am hoping that maybe by sticking this out there on the Internets (all of them), people can locate this guide through one of several tubes that connect to their computer. I'm not here to advise people what to do, but hopefully the information can warn people if they are about to do something damaging rather than helpful.

Traditionally, tenants decide not to pay the rent because they are tired of living in a craphole. The landlord responds by filing a Complaint for Eviction on the grounds of non-payment of rent, and the tenants are flabbergasted when the landlord is successful. "Doesn't anyone care?," they wonder. "I had to live in terrible conditions!"

The Judge would care...had they followed the right procedures.

The first thing tenants need to do is notify the landlord. Invariably, the landlord will not adequately address the problem if they even attempt to fix it at all. The next step is to send a letter to the landlord.

The traditional way to send a letter is to type something and mail it. If you've ever seen a professional letter before, it has such things as letterhead, the date, names, a signature, etc. The letter to the landlord should also have these things. It should have the tenant's name and address, the landlord's name and address, the (correct) date the tenant sent the letter, and an actual signature. The tenant's signature.

The next step is to make a photocopy of the signed letter. The tenant should keep this letter.

The third step is to send the original letter via certified mail, return receipt requested. The tenant should keep the certified mail receipt (with the date stamp) stapled or paper clipped to the photocopied letter. When the green return receipt is sent back to the tenant, that should be put with the letter and the first receipt. The tenant should keep these. These are important. DO NOT LOSE THESE. If a tenant was thinking of losing them, that would be a bad idea.

I imagine that if someone is reading this, they may make a query. "Can I send an email in lieu of a letter?" Sure, the tenant could send an electronic message via Yahoo or Gmail or other email service, and it will save the tenant a few of the above steps, but the tenant will still need to print a copy of the email. The tenant also runs the risk of the landlord claiming he or she never got the email (spam filters can be voracious, you know). If it was me, I would send an actual letter. I know it can cost around five dollars to send a certified letter with return receipt requested, but as Edward Topsell wrote, "if by covetousnesse or negligence, one [doesn't cough up five bucks], he shall be penny wise, and pound foolish."

As for the content of the letter, the tenant needs to specify what the problems are and that the tenant would like them fixed as soon as possible. Keep in mind this is not a manifesto. This is also not a declaration of all the harms the tenant has suffered at the hands of the landlord, real or imagined. The tenant is just describing the problems and asking that they be corrected. Proper spelling and grammar are beneficial but not required. However, poor writing makes people sound like idiots. It also may hurt credibility.

After a reasonable amount of time (1-2 weeks unless the problem is severe and a major detriment to health), if the landlord still has not fixed the problem, the tenant is facing three options. The first is to let the issue drop and live in the company of squirrels or take a shower that sprays brown water. The second is for the tenant to make the repairs herself and deduct the cost of repairs from her rent. The third is to start withholding rent.

If the tenant decides to make the repairs himself or to hire someone to make the repairs, the tenant needs to keep all of the receipts. This is critical. Once the repairs are finished, the tenant should send another letter via certified mail (yes, again) explaining what was done and including photocopies of the receipts. If the landlord takes the tenant to Court, the aforementioned documentation will be the difference between victory and eviction. Keep in mind, however, that the tenant can only deduct for serious repairs. If the tenant clogs the toilet with used tampons and she then buys a plunger, that's really on her. If the tenant has to buy a new fridge because the old one was from the first Bush administration and it died of old age, then the tenant is probably justified. Of course, it will ultimately rest with the judgment of the, uh, Judge.

Moving on to the third option, if the tenant decides to withhold rent, he needs to send a letter to the landlord before the rent is due stating that the tenant is withholding the money until the repairs are made. This next piece of information is vitally important: the tenant must not spend a single cent of that money. The tenant MUST keep it. All of it. It doesn't matter if the tenant needs to make a repair to her car or the tenant needs to bail his son out of jail. I make my clients turn their money over to me to put into my firm's client trust account. That may, I can verify the entire amount of money is withheld. The reason for this is that if a tenant is sued by the landlord for non-payment of rent, the only way the tenant can get a habitability hearing is to post the full amount of money. If the full amount, every cent, is not provided to the Court to hold pending outcome of the trial, then the tenant will be evicted, even if rats come out every night and bite toes. It doesn't matter even if the rats bite the cute piggy toe.

On the plus side, if the Judge rules in the tenant's favor, then the tenant may get a rent abatement. That means the tenant may get to keep some (or all) of the withheld rent money as compensation for the terrible conditions the tenant was living in. Some people might save that money for a rainy day, but others will spend it on booze and tattoos. It's all a matter of personal preference.

Withholding the rent money is usually a better idea for most tenants than the option of "repair and deduct," as repairs can be costly. Tenants are also not always suited to do the repairs or hire the right people to do the repairs. Furthermore, if a Judge determines that it is not a habitability issue, the tenant still has the money to pay the rent and avoid eviction.

If you read the above (and live in New Jersey) and you think you may have a habitability problem, you have the right to consult an attorney. Every county has a Lawyer Referral Service, and if you are low income, you can always contact a legal services program. Important: none of the above should be seen as inviting or encouraging an attorney-client relationship between you and I. Every case is unique, and I am only presenting general information. I am NOT presenting legal advice. I don't know anything about your case, nor do I care to know anything about your case (unless you find your way to my office, that's a different story). I'm serious here - I am not making any promises that if you follow the above information perfectly that you will be successful. In the same way you shouldn't operate on yourself after reading WebMD, you should probably consult a legal professional.

Barely literate

2011-05-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

Nudity is quite popular with the masses. Ever since Adam and Eve covered up their porcelain white skin 6,000 years ago, humans have been trying to uncover the forbidden fruit hidden beneath our fabric fortresses. I recently learned about Naked Girls Reading, which is exactly what you would expect it to be based on the name.

I enjoy voyeurism as much as the next pervert, but something about these nude projects seem off. I mean, do I want to see naked women? Sure. Does seeing naked women paint in the nude make painting more exciting? I'd argue no. I would much rather see a pro covered than an amateur naked, whether it be tennis or barbecuing.

There is a Canadian-based program called Naked News which involves anchors and reporters stripping down to the buff while reporting on actual current events. I was very intrigued when this first came out a number of years ago, but I quickly realized it wasn't all that exciting. If the women could have sex with each other and still tell me about the declining American dollar, that would be impressive.

Some of these nude tasks encourage consumer participation. For example, there are nude hairdressers, naked bakers, and topless housekeepers. My problem with these entrepreneurs is that if they were not only qualified but good at what they do, they wouldn't need the nude gimmick. The people that have to do their work in the nude need it to make up for the fact that otherwise, they just aren't good enough to draw regular business.

I don't need to strip down to do my job. In fact, I think they pay me extra to keep my pants on.

Bad Sandwich

2011-05-09T09:00:00.001-04:00

Growing up, Weird Al Yankovic was my favorite musician. Unlike most people, I was not particularly interested in music growing up. I listened to the radio and had a few LPs, usually children oriented (presumably some chipmunk travesty). I also remember my first CD, which I got in 1993. It was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. After that, though, it was a string of Weird Al albums. At that point in my life, I was more interested in humor than music.

When Weird Al does well, he really nails it. In some instances, I prefer the reworking better than the original. Sometimes, though, Weird Al just missed the mark.

There was some controversy regarding Yankovic's cover of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," in that Lady Gaga initially did not approve. Weird Al essentially requires that the artists approve his work, which helps assure that it will never be satirical. In fact, Yankovic's parody of Gaga's song is essentially a tribute, neither funny nor clever, just a lazy description of what Lady Gaga does.

I though I could take ten minutes and do a better song, so I gave it a go with "Bad Romance":

I want pastrami
I want cheddar cheese
I want American
And maybe some brie
and pimento loaf
(Loaf loaf loaf pimento loaf)

I want gorgonzola
A slice of some ham
I want your olive-studded meat made with spam
I want your loaf
Loaf loaf loaf
I want your loaf

You know that I want it
And you know that I need it
I want it bad, your bad sandwich

I had to stop for two reasons. One, I was basically rewriting "Eat It" and "The Rye or the Kaiser." Two, the lyrics to the original song are terrible. There's nothing to parody because there are hardly any words, and they repeat ad nauseam.

Maybe it is hard to parody a Lady Gaga song. Maybe Weird Al gave it his best shot. If your best doesn't cut it, though, then it's time to say no.

A terminated lease on life

2011-05-08T12:52:00.004-04:00

New Jersey Landlord Tenant law is governed by The Anti-Eviction Act. Under the Act, a tenant can only be evicted for one of the reasons specifically stated (some people do not fall under the Act and thus can be evicted for other reasons, such as if the landlord lives in the same house with three or fewer renters). There are various reasons, but one of them must be met. You can't evict someone because she is ugly or because he likes Ke$ha.

You also cannot evict someone just because the lease ends. In fact, leases automatically renew in New Jersey. This created a puzzle. Why does a landlord have the ability to terminate a lease with the appropriate amount of notice (usually 30 days) if that is not one of the ways a landlord can evict someone under the Act?

Like a robot attacking a Rubik's Cube, I used mathematical precision and cold, unfeeling logic to come up with two answers. The biggest reason a landlord would want to terminate a lease is that he or she can then offer a new lease, and if all of the terms and changes are reasonable, then the tenant has to accept the new lease. One of the legal grounds to evict someone is for failure to accept reasonable changes to a lease when the existing lease ends. As such, if a tenant refuses to accept "reasonable changes," then the landlord can file for an eviction. However, it is worth noting that even after an eviction is filed, if the tenant accepts the changes and pays any money owed, that tenant can still avoid an eviction.

The other reason I could think of is that if the owner wants to move into the rental property and live there, a notice must be sent to the tenant at least two months before the eviction suit is filed. However, this notice can only be sent after the lease expires, hence why a landlord may want to send notice to end the lease. That would shorten the process. Why a landlord would want to move into a rental property is beyond me, since the landlords never make any repairs or upkeep and the tenants live like diseased rats, gnawing on walls and spreading small plagues with their filth. In fact, the vast majority of landlords would consider it some kind of punishment to live in the properties they maintain, similar to Joe Pesci in The Super.

Regardless of whether it is done by a landlord or a tenant, sending notice to terminate the lease does not require the tenant to move. Without a new lease or other notices, the tenancy agreement simply becomes a month-to-month tenancy. Hopefully with this information, you are now ready to create and end leases in New Jersey. Good luck!

For Quynh

2011-05-02T00:38:00.000-04:00

A royal bore

2011-04-16T18:30:00.000-04:00

Britain's upcoming wedding between Prince Whatever and his fiance has dominated the American news, and of course this brings up comparisons to Princess Diana's wedding to Prince Chuck. That means we get to hear about two weddings when I really only wanted to deal with none.

Although the United States seemingly cut the cord to Great Britain way back in the 18th century (although a quarter of Americans don't know that), we seem to have a striking obsession with England's royals. It has to do with our celebrity obsessed culture in general, something we share with the Brits.

I don't care much about celebrities. It doesn't matter to me who they date, what they eat, where they drink, how much drugs they consume, where they buried the body of the transvestite hooker. I don't need to know anything about Matt Damon's personal life or Derek Jeter's dating habits to be able to enjoy their movies or their athletic performances.

With the royal family, though, it's much worse. Royalty are the world's first reality stars, famous simply by virtue of being famous. Yes, they had a purpose back in the day, ruling over lands and armies by dictate of God (read: by virtue of birth or conquest). Today, though, they're useless. Does the United Kingdom need a royal family? No. It's archaic. Many English would argue otherwise, such as this bloke in comments:

It baffles me that people are seriously considering getting rid of the Monarchy.

This is why Britain has gone more and more down hill in the last few decades - because people never do things "for Queen and Country", it's all me me me; "Where is MY taxes going?"
* * *
It also astounds me how people can so carelessly consider abolishing the Royals when we as a nation are growing increasingly frustrated at the way so many traditionally British things are now gone after things, such as the rise in immigration, have pushed them aside or had them banned.

It's sort of funny to me that Britain stuck its finger in so many foreign lands, and then there are folks who complain when the foreigners poke back.

The British allot 7.9 million pounds towards the monarchy, but true overall costs are estimated to be significantly higher. Maybe the English should take that money and get better production values for the next "Doctor Who" series.

Accept the differences

2011-04-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

My friends, we have been apart too long, nearly a month. Even my Twitter account has been mostly dormant. Life has kept me busy, but not always fulfilled. Fortunately, I was able to catch two concerts this month, and I love me some music.

Regular readers (hello to my followers at Rockview State Correctional Institution) may be surprised, but I went to an all acoustic show last week. It was delectable, and featured Paul Dempsey opening up for Colin "Men at Work" Hay.

Dempsey was a surprise but a treat, with a gorgeous voice (except when he tried to do falsetto) and pleasant guitar skills. I enjoyed his acoustic version of Ramona Was a Waitress (video not from the show):

Everyone was there for Hay, who has a unique voice and a remarkable sense of humor. Here's a song from the show I was at, although I note I had much better seats:

Hay performed at the Keswick Theater, which is an old performing arts venue outside Philadelphia. It's cramped and designed for people under 5'5", which made it uncomfortable, but the evening was fun nevertheless. I could see myself buying some of Hay's albums, but I am hesitant to say it would probably be to help me relax when I go to sleep.

Much more exciting, though, was my trip to the Trocadero, another run down theater right on the bubble of Chinatown in Philadelphia. Performing live were none other than the German metal legends Accept, with new host what's-his-face from the band T.T. Quick. He has that same gravelly voice as Udo Dirkschneider, so it was a reasonable facsimile.

Accept is like comfort food in music form, the vast, overwhelming majority of their set was classics from the 80s, including gems like "Fast as a Shark" (not from the show):

I wrecked my neck. The audience was small, even by the Trocadero standards, but it was a lively, loud and vivacious audience, which made it good. Wolf and Peter were at the top of their game. It was a thunderous good show.

A few bands opened for Accept, but what caught my ear was Swedish power metallers
Sabaton. Although they've been around for a decade, I was not familiar with them. However, as I told their bassist Pär Sundström after the show, I became a fan. He said, "Oh, yunk you, das oost why ve do ze shows!" No, he didn't sound like that, although I am paraphrasing what he said. It was basically that. I mean, he also had a funny accent, but charming, in the Swedish way.

It was their first time touring the United States, which is nice. They seem a little obsessed with World War 2, and did at least three songs about the war, including a song honoring the Polish resistance and a tribute to the American troops that landed in Normandy. Their singer, Joakim Brodén, said that if it wasn't for the U.S., they'd be speaking German now. The woman next to me turned and said, "Yeah, so would we." Whatever, I can barely speak English.

Cherubino's Aria

2011-03-19T00:02:00.003-04:00

Turmoil in Libya. Devastation in Japan. Insolvency in America. Current events got you down? Cheer up, my friend. Cheer up.

(related)

How TV Ruined Your Life

2011-03-13T00:25:00.001-04:00

This weekend, I have to move the clock an hour forward for Daylight Saving Time, one of life's many irritants. To be perfectly frank, I'd rather have the extra hour of daylight in the winter. I hate that it's dark at 5 o'clock in December, and I don't really need to still see the sun at 9 o'clock in June. I want the evening to be dark, it makes drinking easier. So thanks for nothing, George Vernon Hudson, you creepy insect collecting bastard (he invented DST in 1895).

Nevertheless, we're stuck with this, and if you don't comply, you won't be on time for work. Perhaps even worse, though, you won't be on time to watch your favorite television programs like "Dancing With The People You Vaguely Remember From Something" and "Kooky Couple Do Things Accompanied By Laugh Track." I always wonder, though, how TV programmers handle this move. Do they just make sure some show or movie is airing during the switch, and then proceed as if nothing happened, or do they make sure the programming has wrapped up at 2 a.m., and then just skip an hour? Do they pretend it didn't exist, like some backwards communist country where friends and neighbors are taken away by the secret police? What about in the autumn when you have to relive the same hour twice, like an abbreviated Bill Murray film? If I was watching something on recordable television and went to rewind once the clocks jump forward, would I create a time paradox?

While you ponder these things, you should watch episode one from series one of a "programme" called "How TV Ruined Your Life."

Touch not the penis, bobbitt glove

2011-02-25T21:39:00.001-04:00

A man from Clydebank in Scotland was recently sentenced to 18 months probation. The incident stems from 2008, when the then 21 year old autistic man was playing football with a toddler. He was angry that his girlfriend did not give him a Valentine's day card, and when he went to kick the ball out of frustration he missed and caught the child in the groin.

When he noticed that the child's penis was red and swollen, McBride decided to snap a shop loyalty card and compress it around the injured area.

He then tried to saw at the youngster in a failed attempt to reduce the swelling.

The court heard that when the boy's mother arrived back the accused told her what had happened and she took her son to hospital.

The youngster was examined by doctors and a police child examiner and was found to have bruising, swelling and cuts to his genitals and thighs.

He was operated on and received 10 stitches to one wound and one to another but has since made a satisfactory recovery.

Obviously, we are all shocked by the behavior of the emotionally disturbed autistic man. I am curious what woman leaves her child to play with said man, however. Granted, he does seem resourceful in a pinch, although he may want to avoid medical school.

I'm most puzzled by how someone would notice swelling around the penis. Well, yes, people can see my penis swelling when I pitch a tent in my trousers, but toddlers wouldn't have that ability. Obviously, this guy took the kid's pants off to examine the injury. That may be the worst part of the story, even more than the stitches on his willy.

This is definitely the greatest story I've read this year, but it still falls short of the woman who had a pet chimpanzee that went berserk and ripped a neighbor's face off. The owner was distraught when police had to shoot the hominidae after his attempted homicide.

"I'm, like, hollow now," she told CBS. "He slept with me every night. He combed my hair. Everything in the house is for him."

Herold would frequently tell those who questioned her devotion to Travis that they simply did not understand.

"Until you've . . . eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp," she said.

I suppose you don't really know anyone until you've groomed with them, but I'm not sure how many people I'm going to lure into my tub, let alone apes.

Three women

2011-02-12T15:03:00.000-04:00

I married April in November but was divorced next September.
I first met May in October but soon after, it was over.
I dated June in January but separated by February.
I thought it through in my head, I should try flowers instead.

E-Jipped

2011-02-04T22:57:00.001-04:00

As you may have heard, the Egyptian people have risen up against the Pharaoh and demanded, uh, something different than they already have. Americans are fed up with their government, too, but we don't riot. That takes a lot of work, and I break out into a sweat just walking to the bucket I keep my Ho-Hos in. Besides, it's hard to work up anger when I can browse the Internet on my cell phone. I recently obtained my first smart phone, and I learned two things. As cool as smart phones are, they are basically stupid wastes of time, money, and battery life. I may be a slow adapter to technology, but once I'm in, I'm balls-slapping-against-it in. As much fun as I am having with my Droid, however, it's silly. It's not essential to my life to have instant access to weather and Twitter updates. Do I need to play Scrabble on my phone? No. Do I? Of course, yes, God yes.

The other thing I discovered is that I will no longer judge poor people with nice phones. Yes, certainly poor people spend their money stupidly and without judiciousness, just like most people; the effects are just more noticeable when you have less disposable income, as more and more of us are experiencing. Nevertheless, having access to email and basic web functions is as close to a necessity as you can get after your basics of food, potable water, shelter, and toilet paper. Well, most people who barely earn enough to live can't afford a nice laptop, and for the price of regular internet access, you can pay to have a top notch phone with the same internet access. If people need phones more than computers, it makes sense to put the Internet on the phone. Plus, it's easier to have everyone notice your Beyonce ringtones over your Beyonce wallpaper.

The Oak Tree

2011-01-31T22:17:00.000-04:00

Three people were discussing the aftermath of a winter storm. One person observed that the snow from the storm was so heavy, it broke the branches off of many trees. Another member of the group said that many years ago, she had a large, old oak tree behind her house. She would look at that oak tree all the time, during all of the seasons. She gazed at the dew kissed buds of the spring, the luscious leaves of the summer, the crisp colors of the autumn and the spidery architecture of the winter. She loved that oak tree.

One winter came and brought with it a terrible storm. The next day, she found the oak tree split down the middle, dead. She was sad.

The other two people did not say a word, for there was nothing left to say.

Metatron

2011-01-24T23:41:00.001-04:00

I don't know if you're familiar with the Transformers cartoon from the early to mid 1980s. It was basically about robots from another planet that, upon arriving on earth, took on the ability to transform into various local vehicles. The good guys, the Autobots, could turn into automobiles (not sure what Auto means on Cybertron). The villains, the Decepticons, could turn into airplanes. There were some exceptions. For example, Soundwave could turn into a cassette player.

The most bizarre Transformer of all time is one of the most popular. Megatron was the leader of the Decepticons. While his men at arms were transforming into fighter jets, he could transform into a gun. Now, there are two problems with this, one logistical and one scientific. Every Decepticon had built into laser blasters. Having a laser gun was redundant. It's like putting a propeller on an eagle. There may be some tactical advantages, but ultimately you don't need it. Perhaps Megatron's gun mode is more powerful than a standard laser, but the regular lasers are lethal, so there's no need for overkill.

Far more baffling, and this was true even 25+ years ago, deals entirely with the realm of physics. Megatron is a large being. He is taller, in fact, that his subordinate, Starscream. Megatron can somehow transform into a gun that fits into Starscream's hand. How does that work?

Somewhere, a group of writers were sitting around in their Lacoste shirts and over the calf socks and saying, "you know what would be awesome?" "What?," someone would ask. "If the leader of the Decepticons turned into a pistol." "Man, that would be great," would come the response, "but how would that work? He's too big."

Then, from the far end of the table, the head writer leans forward, stubs out his Moore cigarette, and says, "Gentlemen, first we take the laws of physics and we destroy them. How can mass disappear? How can his brain shrink and still work? These are the wrong questions. The questions you should be asking is, how fucking awesome is this? How bloody God damn LOUD should the patchoo-patchoo noises he makes BE? THOSE are the questions that should be passing through your lips like a greased up FETUS through the VAGINAL LIPS of a CRACK WHORE."

And that's how Megatron was born. So to speak.

And that's not even touching on how his mouth moves.

Eat my tarts?

2011-01-09T01:08:00.002-04:00

"This cosmic dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions twists all our arms collectively, but, if sweetness can win...and it can...then I'll still be here tomorrow to high-five you yesterday, my friend. Peace."

2011

2011-01-07T10:20:00.001-04:00

Welcome to another year.

Snowball fight

2010-12-28T23:11:00.000-04:00

Reports have come in that two police officers in Berlin, Germany, were assaulted by twenty-five youths after the cops refused to leave the area per the demands of the children. The wintry battery grew to 40 young people, who pelted the officers...with snowballs.

Fortunately, German police have long been trained in using actual weapons, the boys were scattered thanks to pepper spray. Gee, I wish I could have seen that. Where is a good camera phone when you need one?

Some of the youths were arrested, but it's not clear what charges they will face. Obviously, they won't be executed. On the other side of the Atlantic, even America's death row inmates will not be killed. Prisons simply do not have the money to execute death row inmates, as it is typically more expensive to axe inmates than keep them alive. That's one of the arguments I used to offer when arguing against capital punishment, but fortunately the free market has taken care of things!

Norwegians don't have it so lucky, as they continue to kill 500 reindeer per year with their automobiles. The beasts have been outfitted with reflective collars, allowing them to be more visible. It makes me think everyone in Norway should wear the collars, thus avoiding pedestrian accidents as well.

ChrisV82mas Day 25

2010-12-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

When I was a child, Christmas was my favorite holiday. The myth, the magic, the family (the presents!), it was just such a wonderful time of year. As an adult, I see that the myth was a lie, the magic is gone, and, unfortunately, the family is non-existent. In its place is a grossly commercial, crass spectacle where the emphasis is on spending money, which leads to a wildly diverse mix of disappointment, violence, debt and greed. Oh, and the "reason" for the season, baby Jesus? At best, an afterthought. At worst, an excuse to be miserable towards each other. I think Tankard says it best, "Fuck Christmas."

ChrisV82mas Day 24

2010-12-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

There are two Christmas songs that always have amazing and touching vocal performances, "Silent Night" and "Emmanuel." Rob Halford of Judas Priest has one of the best voices in music. So, combine Rob with "Emmanuel" and you get this. I may have slowed it down a bit to allow his vocals a better opportunity to shine, but overall, it's good.

ChrisV82mas Day 23

2010-12-23T09:00:00.000-04:00

Austrian Death Machine is a side project or As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis. The Austrian Death Machine in question is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here is "Jingle Bells."

ChrisV82mas Day 22

2010-12-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

The pioneering black metal band, Venom, gave us the greatest gift since the birth of manger baby - "Black XMas." Rock out!

ChrisV82mas Day 21

2010-12-21T09:00:00.001-04:00

I've spoken at length about how I thought the combination of Dio and Iommi created one of my favorite sounds (i.e. Black Sabbath mark II and Heaven & Hell). So when those two teamed up to release "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman," it sounded just like an original Sabbath composition, with an incredible riff and chilling vocals. They took a hokey song and made it sound absolutely amazing.

ChrisV82mas Day 20

2010-12-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

When King Diamond left Mercyful Fate, one of the first singles he released was "No Presents for Christmas." It's easily one of the most, if not THE most, popular metal Christmas song.

ChrisV82mas Day 19

2010-12-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

220 Volt is a Swedish heavy metal band that primarily operated in the 80s, although the group is still active today. The group released one of the earliest metal Christmas songs unique in lyrical content, "Heavy Christmas." I don't know why the Swedes get so into the holiday. Maybe their better health care, vacation time, education system, jobs and crime rates make them happier. Who knows, really?

ChrisV82mas Day 18

2010-12-18T09:00:00.001-04:00

"Christmas With the Devil" is the perfect kind of Spinal Tap song, a heavy metal parody/homage with tongue-in-cheek satanic lyrics about the winter holiday. Originally released as a single in 1984, it was later recorded again and released as part of their album "Break With the Wind."

ChrisV82mas Day 17

2010-12-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

MxPx released a compilation album of Christmas songs a few years ago. This one, "Christmas Night of the Living Dead," is easily my favorite. Hey, did you enjoy "The Walking Dead" on AMC? Well, then, this song is also about zombies.

ChrisV82mas Day 16

2010-12-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Deathrock band Alien Sex Fiend gave us this gothic Christmas carol in 1987. "Let's make this Christmas one to remember. Let's stay drunk from January 'til December." Here's "Stuff the Turkey." Enjoy (this Christmas...it might be your last).

ChrisV82mas Day 15

2010-12-15T09:00:00.001-04:00

Weezer is a well known alternative rock band. This song, "Christmas Celebration," is catchy. That's about all I have to say.

ChrisV82mas Day 14

2010-12-14T09:00:00.002-04:00

I said earlier that The Yobs are the best band for Christmas. A close second is The Vandals, who released a great yuletide record in 1996 entitled Oi to the World, which contained such great tracks as "Grandpa's Last Xmas," "Christmas Time for My Penis," "Thanx for Nothing," and the above, "My First Xmas (As a Woman)" The whole album is fantastic.

ChrisV82mas Day 13

2010-12-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

A snowman will make me happy. You, too. Here's "Snowman" by The Anti-Nowhere League, which originally appeared on their 1980 debut record.

ChrisV82mas Day 12

2010-12-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

When I first hear this song by Billy Idol, it kind of sounds a bit commercial, a bit corporate. It doesn't have the same soul and grit as most of the other tracks I've shared thus far, but give it enough time and "Yellin' at the Christmas Tree" really grows on you. Fun lyrics, catchy music, and better than your usual holiday schlock on the radio.

ChrisV82mas Day 11

2010-12-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, this next song is not available for streaming on the Internet. However, if you think you'd enjoy a song called "Daddy Drank Our Christmas Money," then you may want to take a leap of faith and download this tune by TVTV$.

ChrisV82mas Day 10

2010-12-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

The Damned were one of the earliest punk bands to break onto the music scene, releasing their debut album in 1977. Along the way of a lengthy career, they found the time to release this little ditty, the title of which is a nod to The Marx Brothers.

ChrisV82mas Day 9

2010-12-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

No band has done more for Christmas, as far as I'm concerned, then the Yobs, the holiday alter ego of the early punk band The Boys. They released a series of singles, finally an album, and then a second album of holiday tunes. They included bizarre covers of traditional songs, such as a Silent Night and Jingle Bells, as well as originals such as this one, "Another Christmas." An absolute delight!

ChrisV82mas Day 8

2010-12-08T09:00:00.001-04:00

The Indy punk band Sloppy Seconds released a Christmas EP in 1992, which included a cover of the theme song for "Santa Claus Versus the Martians," which is called "Hooray for Santa Claus." Hooray!

ChrisV82mas Day 7

2010-12-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

One Christmas I received a Weird Al Yankovic album which contained "Christmas at Ground Zero." I listened to that song with immense pleasure. I was such a huge Weird Al fan, his sense of humor suited me quite well. Even with time passed, I think this track stands up quite well. Rumor has it Weird Al wrote this song when his record company asked him to create a Christmas tune. I'm not sure what they were expecting, but they got SOMETHING all right.

ChrisV82mas Day 6

2010-12-06T09:00:00.001-04:00

The terribly named The Canadian Dollars released a song on one of Suburban Sprawl Music's annual Christmas anthologies. There's no video for it, but you can stream (or download) the song if you want to hear it. I would recommend the listen, even though I'm not in love with the sound, it's still a nice counter to the usual holiday pop drivel.

ChrisV82mas Day 5

2010-12-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

Calibretto (13) was an acoustic punk band that graced us with this nice holiday ditty about a boy finding out that "Santa Claus is just a man." Here's "Merry Freakin' Christmas" by Calibretto.

ChrisV82mas Day 4

2010-12-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

"You'll probably get sweaters, underwear and socks, but what you'd really like for Christmas is a nice hard cock." And that's how Pansy Division's "Homo Christmas" begins. What else do you need?

ChrisV82mas Day 3

2010-12-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

The Sonics released a Christmas album in 1966 which featured songs by them (see one posted yesterday), the Wailers and the Galaxies, all garage rock bands out of Seattle in the mid-60s. This one by the Wailers, "Christmas Spirit," kind of has a Bob Dylan feel to it, which works.

ChrisV82mas Day 2

2010-12-02T09:00:00.002-04:00

The Sonics' "Don't Believe In Christmas" may be the perfect holiday song. The music itself is impressive, a blue structure with a driving rhythm section and classic organ music. Add to that non-traditional lyrics that pierce the veil of Christmas without getting too malicious or spiritual, and you have a fine tune that can be enjoyed by all.

ChrisV82mas Day 1

2010-12-01T09:00:00.001-04:00

Let's start it off right, "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)" by John Denver, a classic melody by a classic country songsmith. It's a tune that's supposed to be sad, but it's played upbeat, yet still a perfect counterpoint to all the holiday schmaltz we normally hear. Denver played it with sincerity, but I can't help but chuckle when I give it a spin.

Drumline: What a Feeling!

2010-11-29T21:43:00.003-04:00

On a whim, I decided to see if I could find any videos of marching bands playing the Irene Cara song "Flashdance (What a Feeling)."

Everything about this video is absurd.

ChrisV82mas: A Prequel

2010-11-28T16:43:00.003-04:00

Every day beginning on December 1st and running through December 25th, I will be posting one video of a song about Christmas. These are all non-traditional, i.e. things you will not hear on the radio, satellite or otherwise. As such, I've skipped some good ones by the Ramones and Run DMC just because there's a fair chance you will hear these driving in your car or see them on VH1. Not often, but enough. Plus, people already know those.

So, stay tuned, enjoy the holiday season (whatever you celebrate), and I hope the stores you shop in aren't cranking out the syrup from the speakers.

The Pope-a, he's-a so nice-a

2010-11-23T22:19:00.001-04:00

His Holiness, The Pope(TM), has recently decided that condom use is less evil than spreading AIDS.

Using a condom is a lesser evil than transmitting HIV to a sexual partner—even if that means a woman will avert a possible pregnancy, the Vatican said Tuesday.

In a book released Tuesday, Benedict said condom use by prostitutes is a lesser evil because the prostitute would be aiming to protect a partner from a deadly infection. Benedict received a copy of the book Light of the World during an audience Tuesday with its author, Peter Seewald.

Some Catholics are beginning to backpedal, while others are upset over the declaration.

I do find it funny that there are Catholics who feel the need to clarify the Pope, and also Catholics who feel the need to question the Pope. There is no one more powerful in the Church on Earth for Catholics than The Pope. To be Catholic is to believe in the power of the Pope. Otherwise, you could be, I dunno, Methodist. It's not like one is Catholic for the exorcisms and literal blood drinking.

So, if Catholics believe the Pope is the final authority on all things religious, why are they either questioning or interpreting him? That's muddying the message. Leave it be, and let the Holy Spirit reveal the truth of his words to you.

I'm just kidding, of course. The Pope is merely a shield for people to hide behind, a constitution to justify their already cemented beliefs, and a canvas to spray with grape juice.

Across the Universe

2010-11-14T15:36:00.002-04:00

Days after popular website The Huffington Post announced it was creating a new section to provide dating info, parenting tips, financial guidance, legal advice, et al for people who check "Divorced" on their official forms, NBA athlete Steve Nash announced he and his wife, Alejandro, were splitting. The news came the day after their son was born, so I'm wondering when he served her with the papers. I presume she wasn't using the Divorce Complaint to wipe the sweat from her brow during the delivery, but even if he gave it to her a few weeks before childbirth, that still stinks like an infant's bowel movement.

As I am in the business of divorce, I am sensitive to relationships, what keeps them healthy and what causes them to end. I believe that just because a relationship ends does not mean the time when it worked wasn't great. Yes, some marriages suck, but sometimes people drift apart. In fact, I think given enough time, all relationships would end. Maybe not friendships, although they would probably become distant. If we lived to be 1,000 years old, I don't think any of us would stay married for 500 years, except for those few miserable people who stay together because they have no other options.

I think this because no two people are perfectly alike or compatible. Imagine two lines that look parallel, but one is 1/1,000,000th of a percentage off. While those two lines will ride together for a long time, eventually they will be distant enough from each other that it will be quite noticeable.

This brings me back to my original point. If you've been together for 25 years and you wake up one day and realize the person you fell in love with all those decades ago just seems like a different person, it may be because they are. And so may you. Our life experiences guide us and change us, and we don't always go in the same direction. That doesn't mean the years prior weren't wonderful. Just because something ends doesn't take away from the quality of when it was around, if in fact it was good. Nothing lasts; we just try to get the most out of things when we have them.

This also doesn't mean everyone has to separate. I said earlier that all people will eventually grow apart given time. That time may not be in our lifetimes. For those people who die still in love with their partners, they are fortunate. That may be one of the gifts of our brief existences.

Burning a sinner

2010-11-02T11:44:00.003-04:00

Today is election day in the United States of Amurkuh, and in my district, there is a tight race between a conservative Democrat, a conservative Republican (and former professional athlete!), a conservative Libertarian (doesn't think gays should be allowed to marry, how very libertarian), and two conservative independent candidates. As someone that is fairly liberal, I may end up voting for myself.

The liberal position on the death penalty is that it should be abolished, and that is a position I've held for a long time. People like comedian David Cross, the NWOBHM band Witchfinder General, and my friend Maria, all basically share the same thought, that if you skullfuck a child and burn it alive afterward, you should be killed. I mean, that's a reasonable position.

My stance on the death penalty has actually begun to shift, but not because I think these psychopaths (the murderers, not the people mentioned above) should be removed from society. No, it's because I think if you kill someone when you're 22, keeping you in prison until you're 85 is almost more inhumane than just executing them. It's practically a form of torture, which I know the U.S. endorses. That actually creates a conflict between America's love of blood and America's love of torture.

The problem is that many innocent people are executed by our justice system. It's not so much that the guilty have to pay but that someone needs to pay. Also, they're still bad guys, or at least poor people, right? So who cares?

I don't have a solution for that, but I do have a half-formed proposal. Have a trial with a jury of old people and the functionally literate, and then allow the inmate to go through the entire spectrum of his appeals process before a the decision of whether to execute is decided. Once that is finished, only a higher court can issue a decision on whether to convert the sentence to death. I would only feel comfortable with at least a three judge appellate court making a decision, rather than a dopey jury (or some secret panel).

Is that an ideal solution? Who knows? Ideally, we should correct the social and economic problems that lead people to murder, but that's really hard and takes time, money and effort, which is lame. Perhaps we should just let death row inmates fight to the death in gladiator like competitions. It would give the networks another reality show to promote.

This makes me happy

2010-11-01T20:45:00.001-04:00

We respect the keyboards

2010-10-09T12:17:00.001-04:00

Every so often there is a rock song with prominent keyboards that hits big on the charts. Today, I share with you some lesser known acts who know (or knew) how to make the keyboard a "key" part of the rock and roll experience. See what I did? With the "key" reference? I know you're on board.

I share some crap with you

2010-10-05T20:58:00.002-04:00

If you have the time, I suggest you watch it. Is has been my favorite documentary of the year, although I admit to not seeing many feature length documentaries. Of course, in the good old days, a documentary could be 45 minutes long. Why the hell do they need to be two hours? If I wanted to learn, I'd go to school! Well, actually, that's not a good place to learn, either.

Don't get me wrong, length isn't indicative of quality...a 2 1/2 hour documentary can certainly be engaging. In the same respect, just because this one falls short of an hour doesn't mean it isn't quality enjoyment.

And just like taking a dump outside, it doesn't miss its mark.

Cop dramas for the modern era

2010-09-14T23:00:00.003-04:00

Castle (2009 - )

The Unusuals (2009)

The Glades (2010)

What do Nathon Fillion, Jeremy Renner, and Matt Passmore have in common? Well, they've all appeared on hour long television police mystery series.

What, you think they look alike? Pish posh. Passmore doesn't have blue eyes like the others.

But...I like this book

2010-08-22T15:39:00.001-04:00

Newsweek recently released a list of the best countries to live in (I would say "in the world," but that's redundant, isn't it?...not to Newsweek). Your Scandinavian countries rank highly, probably because of pristine environs and great health care. Not surprisingly, the United States didn't rank in the top ten, but surprisingly, Australia did.

It came in fourth.

Now, I don't want to say Australia is a shithole, but fourth best? That's almost bronze medal territory. What did they do to deserve that honor?

Well, anyway, good for them. I won't be going there anytime soon, but I'm sure it's a lovely country. However, that isn't good enough for them. Australia also wants to shit all over Everything is Illuminated, the first novel by Jonathan Safran Foer. It was later turned into a movie by Liev Schreiber. I enjoy both of the products, but the book is more quirky.

Well, Honda of Australia says that the novel is hipster. Wha? This is news to me. I don't claim to have my finger on the pulse of hispterism, but usually hipsters and I have as much in common as Gordon Gecko and Janis Joplin. I know the novel is quirky, but how could something turned into a major motion picture be an icon of the hipster movement? It just doesn't make sense.

In conclusion, fuck you, Australia, for bringing this to my attention.

Choose your mosques

2010-08-17T21:32:00.002-04:00

The controversy surrounding the "Ground Zero Mosque" is deeply depressing. President Obama gave a reasonable explanation of why the community and religious center should be allowed to be built, but the vitriol directed at both Obama and the building is shocking.

Ignoring the actual Constitutional text ("Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof"), I was under the impression that the new wave of Conservatives wanted smaller government, i.e. less government interference. Why, then, demand the government stop the construction of this project? It calls to mind other small government conservatives, such as New Jersey governor Chris Christie, who recently took over control of Atlantic City, or on a lesser scale, the tea party members who deride other people's handouts while continuing to take for themselves.

I don't mind people holding opposing views to my own. I mean, certainly I disagree with the views themselves, but there is a certain level of respect for people who live by their beliefs. The phonies, the hypocrites, the connivers - I don't care for them. If you're a small government conservative, then be that way. Keep the government out of our religion, out of our marriage, out of our reproduction. Be consistent. Don't use government only when it is suitable to oneself, and don't use government to oppress others.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for whatever faults he may have, illustrated the point perfectly:

“The simple fact is, this building is private property, and the owners have a right to use the building as a house of worship, and the government has no right whatsoever to deny that right. And if it were tried, the courts would almost certainly strike it down as a violation of the U.S. Constitution.

“Whatever you may think of the proposed mosque and community center, lost in the heat of the debate has been a basic question: Should government attempt to deny private citizens the right to build a house of worship on private property based on their particular religion? That may happen in other countries, but we should never allow it to happen here.

Otherwise, just drop the pretense and be like me. If I was ruler, I would be a terrible fascist, and all would be crushed under my relentless heel. The country would quiver and shake at my cold, calculating callousness! I would bathe in the blood of my enemies, and then I would bathe in something else to get the sticky blood off of me. And then I would laugh!

The cleanest drug

2010-08-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

In the good old days, people used to smoke a joint to get high, or if they were particularly 80s, do a line of coke. Maybe drop some acid, maybe shoot some heroin with a dirty, HIV laden needle. Safe, fun stuff. Kids these days, though, they do all kinds of weird shit. They suffocate themselves, they take their parents' prescription pills, they huff propane(?!).

I understand that it's a lot cheaper to inhale whippets (not the dog), but that can't be good for you. Last year I read about this great new drug, and it is full of amazing things. Are you sitting down?

It's called tap water. And it's hot.

Around the world, scientists are finding trace amounts of substances—from sugar and spice to heroine, rocket fuel, and birth control—that might be having unintended consequences for humans and wildlife alike.
* * *
After a person has taken drugs such as cocaine, heroin, marijuana, and ecstasy, active byproducts of these substances are released into the sewage stream through that person's urine and feces.

These byproducts, or metabolites, are often not completely removed during the sewage-treatment process, at least in Europe, said Sara Castiglioni of the Mario Negri Institute for Pharmacological Research in Milan, Italy.

That means the drug-tainted wastewater can enter groundwater and surface water, which are collectively the major sources of drinking water for most people.

I know what you're thinking. "Europe? That's a whole 'nother world. How am I supposed to get access to that?" Don't worry, my friends, it is now available Stateside.

In Philadelphia, the water department has not informed its 1.5 million users that traces of 56 pharmaceuticals or their byproducts — like the active ingredients in drugs to treat depression, anxiety, high cholesterol, fever and pain — have been detected in the drinking water, and that 63 pharmaceuticals or byproducts had been found in the city's source watersheds.

Enjoy the rest of your summer by putting away the bong or the rubber cement, and instead enjoy some fresh, poorly processed water straight from the best drug dealer in town, the kitchen sink.

News you can use

2010-08-09T21:37:00.002-04:00

Baby batter makes bitter cake

2010-07-15T22:55:00.003-04:00

The magazine New York (without the "er" at the end) recently published an article dispelling the myth that children make you happy.

Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines. Perhaps the most oft-cited datum comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping, housework.) This result also shows up regularly in relationship research, with children invariably reducing marital satisfaction. The economist Andrew Oswald, who’s compared tens of thousands of Britons with children to those without, is at least inclined to view his data in a more positive light: “The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy.” That is, he tells me, unless you have more than one. “Then the studies show a more negative impact.” As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than nonparents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four. As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than nonparents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four.

I recommend reading the entire article. However, if that article makes you as unhappy as parenthood does, I suggest some Eddie Murphy to cheer you up.

God bless this mess

2010-06-22T22:42:00.002-04:00

Times are tough, my friends. The economy is stagnant, the unemployment rate rises, people have to sacrifice. What can be done? In New Jersey, where I live, we might be able to share the burden proportionately so that we can all soldier through this.

The Legislature will soon act on the emaciated $28.3 billion FY2011 budget proposal submitted in March by Gov. Christie, who told lawmakers in his budget address that the state's dire economic situation necessitated deep cuts to every corner of state government and demanded shared sacrifice by all New Jerseyans.

Seems reasonable. Everyone has to take a hit.

There are "winners" in this budget: corporations and the wealthiest individuals whose tax obligations will be lower this year. Those who stand to lose the most are disproportionately poorer, older and at greater risk of economic catastrophe than the rest of New Jersey. The sacrifice that the governor demanded in his budget address appears to fall almost entirely on middle and working class families, the disabled and seniors.

Ah, fuck it. I hate this country's bullshit Christian charity.

Some Sunday reading and light musical fare

2010-06-20T11:00:00.002-04:00

-> Top Ten Myths About the Israeli Palestinian Conflict
-> Attack on climate scientist just latest in a long line
-> Sustainability vs. The Invisible Hand
-> Tabata: Wife claimed baby was his own

Oh, that last one is just for giggles.

According to [Pittsburg] Pirates general manager Neal Huntington, [21 year old Jose] Tabata's [43 year old] wife showed off pictures of an infant and told the [baseball] player that the baby was his, only to have Tabata learn hours after seeing the baby that the girl had been taken from her parents in Plant City, about 60 miles from Bradenton, where the Pirates train.

That's right. A 21 year old baseball player was unaware that his 43 year old wife was not pregnant, and when she presented him with a two month old infant, he did not see anything suspicious. Now that is a boy who keeps his head firmly in the clouds.

A fish story

2010-05-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

When I was but a young lad many seasons ago, I won a large number of goldfish at the New York state fair. This did not involve card games or dart throwing, but instead a large table filled with your vintage style fish bowls. Some of the bowls had goldfish, and if the lucky contestant could land a ball in the bowl with a fish, then he won that fish. Well, lady luck had her hand on my shoulder that day, because I won 40 goldfish (and my luck as deteriorated ever since).

Needing somewhere to store all of these fish, I obtained a tropical fish tank and some tropical fish to go with it. I am no scientist or biologist, but the goldfish were kept in warm, tropical water, and I am not sure this is the natural environment for a goldfish. Well, one of my goldfish flourished in this environ, and he grew very large. One by one, he began to eat ate all of the other fish, including my beautiful angelfish. He ate everything except for the catfish and the algae eaters, probably because even the great conquerers respect the maintenance people that keep everything clean. Still, I lost many fish to that beast of fin and war, and it taught me a lesson.

Don't take carp from anyone.

Hobbies

2010-05-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

People will ask me what I like to do for fun, and I feel awkward. I think people expect me to say something like, "I am a student of Jeet Kune Do" or "I go hang gliding on weekends with troubled youth." Maybe they want me to say I have a tomato garden or I go bicycle racing in cities. I don't know. I don't do any of that. What do I do? I go to concerts about once a month. I read books, and occasionally write for fun. Drinking is about as close to a hobby as I have.

What the fuck do you want from me? You want to dabble in ceramics, be my guest. Me, I look at pornography.

Lord of Pants

2010-05-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

I am the reigning lord of pants
My trousers are a new romance
Of slacks I am a Viscount
My outerwear you shan't discount
Below the belt, kneel to Marquess
My pleats or cuffs cause no distress

A Sabbathless Sabbath

2010-05-10T23:09:00.004-04:00

When people talk about the origins of heavy metal, they rattle off the obvious picks like Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Judas Priest, and Alice Cooper. They might dig back into the 60s with groups like Cream, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Blue Cheer, and Iron Butterfly. They may even go into groups like Budgie, UFO, Uriah Heep and Thin Lizzy. However, besides the popular aforementioned acts, and before the modern day explosion out of the UK in the late 70s and early 80s, there were a number of heavy albums released by hard rock or proto metal acts, taking psychedelic blues and mixing it with sludgy guitars and a pounding rhythm. Following are a number of bands that laid the groundwork for the heavy metal explosion which followed, along with the year of their first album. Enjoy your taste of early heavy metal.

Warpig (1970)

Bloodrock (1970)

Lucifer's Friend (1971)

Dust (1971)

Leaf Hound (1971)

Captain Beyond (1972)

Hard Stuff (1972)

Mahogany Rush (1972)

Buffalo (1972)

Night Sun (1972)

And here's a couple of tracks from bands that toured but did not release their recordings until a few decades after the fact.

Iron Claw

Pentagram

Hello, it's me

2010-05-08T15:37:00.001-04:00

Today marks the anniversary of my birth. I am 28 years old (interesting note - my age is the mirror of the year I was born, '82). Many people tell me how much more put together I am than they were at my age. It's true. I'm smarter, sharper, and swifter than many from my generation. From where I began to where I ended up, it was a long journey. I should be proud of all I have accomplished.

And yet, I'm still not completely happy. There are times when I'm happy and times when I'm not, and the times when I'm not are as frequent and as severe as the times when I am. I know exactly what makes me unhappy, and I either lack the ability to change those things or am unwilling to sacrifice what makes me happy to remove the things that make me unhappy.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.
- Ecclesiastes 1:18

I feel I am a good judge of people, and I've noticed I am not alone in this regard, generally speaking. I see many, many citizens who should be happy and aren't. I see the things that bring them down. People's relationships, jobs, friends, and lives are unsatisfactory. On paper, you can find someone who should be floating above the clouds, and as you dig deeper, you see their misery. It could be one thing or many things, but there is always something that acts as an anchor to elation, chains which hold them down.

There are those who say that people have no right to be unhappy in our society of satellite television, portable mp3 players and internet capable cellular phones. There are people living in huts who are starving and dying of disease. Surely someone sitting on a leather chair in air conditioning digesting a moist piece of cake cannot complain? Well, comparatively speaking, the hut people are worse off. There is no argument against that. Nevertheless, there is no benefit to be made from that line of reasoning. It is intellectually misleading. The hut people are better off than someone being tortured in a North Korean prison camp, so should the hut people be happy with their lot? If they live in a situation that makes them unhappy, then they are unhappy, and that should be respected or recognized.

The technological wonders and modern comforts available to us should also not be used to disguise society's distress. That is a shallow, vapid, disaffected way to think. Granted, I am happy to have a roof over my head. I'm not stupid. I'm glad I don't have rats biting my feet and sewer leaking into my kitchen. But there has to be more than that. Once the basic needs are met, there are issues of the mind and the heart. We have to be fulfilled.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 2:11

Let us then find the fortunate man who has enough wealth to live comfortably for the remainder of his life, and who has known the rarest of gifts, love that is meaningful and warm and pure. His life should be perfect, yet how can anyone live in peace with the suffering of those around them? Agony. Misery. Depression. Famine. Starvation. Poverty. Disease. War.

I wish I had millions of dollars. Not for myself. I could live off of $500,000 easily for the rest of my days. I don't need a yacht the size of an apartment building. I don't need a private jet. But if I was a millionaire, I would pour the money into projects and programs that help the needy. Not out of guilt, but out of conscience. And it would still never be enough. It is never enough.

Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun:
I saw the tears of the oppressed—
and they have no comforter;
power was on the side of their oppressors—
and they have no comforter.

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

But better than both
is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

Will I ever rid myself of my little sessions of depression? I doubt it. It's not caused by any chemical imbalance. It's not like I can take a pill and erase reality. I see the world as it is and I am disheartened. I look at myself and see all I could be but am not, all I should have been and had not, and all I should be but will not, and it does not lift my spirits.

Of course, it is my birthday, so I'm not going to wallow in melancholy today. I'm going to go out and have some fun. If I don't at least find the good things in life, then I'm truly fucked.

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. - Ecclesiastes 7:3

Kingston Calling

2010-04-18T00:47:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when white people get involved with music that originated with black people, you get sloppy results. Pat Boone is the most popular example of this, but he was not anywhere near the worst. Nevertheless, I love what England did with reggae and its related spin-offs from the 60s through the 80s. You could make the argument that the UK was a more exciting place for reggae music than even Jamaica. Not only that, but the majority of your mixed race musical groups during that time were playing a style of Jamaican-originating music. Not since big band jazz was there such diversity sharing one stage. It's a hard style of music to dislike, because even when it's soft or easy going, it's still got a slick groove or a solid rhythm. Reggae, ska, et al are truly a fascinating family of genres.

Unbridled exercise outburst

2010-04-13T23:02:00.000-04:00

Look at you, lady. Look at you with your power walk. I see you all jazzed up in your hooded sweatshirt and track pants, white tennis shoes pounding the pavement as white ear bud wires dangle, nay, dance to the rhythm of your feet. You must feel the warmth of what may be the early forming of what could eventually become a burn, as your forehead tingles...at some point, sweat may glisten there.

That twenty minute power walk around the neighborhood easily burned off half the calories of that low fat yogurt you ate for breakfast. You go, girl. You did it.

Funny things

2010-03-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Sunday morning to you. As your molars grind eggs and bacon in your mouth, I invite you to watch a compilation of 5 second short films, along with an historical artifact - a short clip from the Quality Value & Convenience network, circa 1992.

via Mike Rowe on QVC

Ruminations on literature

2010-03-22T23:45:00.004-04:00

I like to have a girl stand over me, naked as the day she came into the world. The anticipation builds as I stare up and see her fingers, tips painted red, reach down and part two lips of pink, sometimes with hints of brown. Eyes closed, I wait for the sound, like eggs on a frying pan or a snake testing the air. Then it hits me, that warm spray, splashing all over my face. The dank scent fills my nostrils. Oh God, piss on me.

And that is why I prefer Othello to MacBeth, although I've never read King Lear.

Individual Musical Notes

2010-03-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

I am still buzzing about some musical acts I have seen this past week. The Russian band Mumiy Troll performed on Craig Ferguson's show on CBS, which is far and away the best American talk show ("chat show" to those abroad). They are performing a very brief tour here in the States, with dates in Manhattan on March 10th, Saratoga Springs, NY on the 11th, L.A. on the 14th, and Austin, TX on the 19th.

On the spur of the moment (for me, deciding to see a show three days ahead of time is spur of the moment), I went to see a concert in Philadelphia's Trocadero Theatre, a former vaudeville and burlesque hot spot that originally opened as the Arch Street Opera House in 1870. The headlining act was Kreator, a German extreme thrash band that put on a very energetic, frenetic show. However, the highlight of the evening for me was the "main" opening act, Voivod, a French-Canadian progressive thrash band that had not toured the U.S. in seven years. Here is the band performing from that very night a cover of Pink Floyd's 60s acid tune, Astronomy Domine.

The Worst Song of the 80s?

2010-03-02T20:21:00.000-04:00

This is truly awful. Say what you will about your least favorite pop acts, metal bands, or new wave artists, but this is what is described in the vernacular as "a steaming shitpile."

A look at the good old days, part 1

2010-02-28T15:37:00.002-04:00

America in the 18th Century:

Holy Ground was a violent, murky place where one might easily find, as Bangs wrote, two soldiers "inhumanly murdered & concealed, besides one who was castrated in a barbarous manner." (Their mates returned the next day to the brothels where the men were rolled and "leveled them to the ground.") Another time, "an old whore who had been so long dead that she was rotten was this day found concealed in an outhouse."

Killing "cracks," the slang for nymphs du pave, was rarely punished by either army, partly because it was so difficult to catch the murderer. So it was that a naval officer thought he could get away with stabbing a madame after one of her employees cheated him, and how in the local taverns, "fireships" - prostitutes known to have venereal disease - were set alight as punishment.

The rest of the Holy Ground slum as a nest of rotgut joints, pawnshops, and questionable taverns, with a sprinkling of molly-houses (gay brothels) and astrologers' stands, and populated by assorted swindlers, hoods, and tallymen - loan sharks who could harry you into prison (or an early grave) if you didn't pay on the nose. Abortionists, unsurprisingly given the number of prostitutes, set up shop there, as well. These were mainly midwives and nurses, often German, working for extra pin money, but some men, usually failed doctors, were known to provide "cures for ladies." Abortion rates were high at the time: One in four children was born either dead or prematurely, both euphemisms for the practice. If a woman hadn't the desire to abort, she could leave her child somewhere - a church usually - as a foundling and hope he was adopted, hand him over to the almshouse (effectively a death sentence, as few infants survived a year there), strangle him, or rent him out to beggars for use as a prop. And in the gloomier recesses of New York's underworld there were always the baby farmers, who bought attractive babies and discreetly sold them to barren couples. It was a cash business and babies that the farmer overstocked and weren't adopted were terminated to keep down expenses.

That excerpt comes from pages 144-145 of Washington's Spies, The Story of America's First Spy Ring by Alexander Rose, published in 2006 by Bantam Books. It is one of my favorite non-fiction books, providing not only a captivating history of our country's first attempts at espionage, but also showcasing an interesting look at life in revolutionary America.

I hope you enjoyed that little taste of the time of America's birth, full of wholesome people going to church, praying to God, and selling babies.

Ayons une partie

2010-02-14T15:37:00.003-04:00

Wikipedia Chain: Jesus Edition

2010-02-07T09:00:00.004-04:00

Today, I learned more meaningful information about the Christian religion than I did during all those years in CCD, as an altar boy (never got fucked by a priest, which made me self-conscious about my looks), or daydreaming about Spider-Man swinging from the rafters every Sunday during mass.

While reading about Pontius Pilate, I learned he was married to a woman named Claudia. From there, I learned there is an apocryphal book called the Acts of Pilate, which is a religious text not officially endorsed by the church (but probably God's favorite, so we're all going to hell).

In that article, I read about "Leucius and Charinus, the two souls raised from the dead after the Crucifixion," although the article about L&C takes me here:

The fullest account of Leucius is that given by Photius (Codex 114), who describes a book, called The Circuits of the Apostles, which contained the Acts of Peter, John, Andrew, Thomas, and Paul, that was purported to have been written by "Leucius Charinus" which he judged full of folly, self-contradiction, falsehood, and impiety

I find it hard to believe a religious text was full of folly, self-contradiction, falsehood or impiety, but there you have it. Even in this day and age, one can still be shocked.

I was curious what these "Acts" were, though, so I decided to read about The Acts of John, which had
"docetic imagery and overt gnostic teachings." Gnosticism is a fascinating subject that I am still trying to digest (for example, what is up with the Aeons?). I further learned that some Orthodox faiths believe Jesus was ethereally shagging Sophia, the Greek goddess of Wisdom. Others refer to Jesus as wisdom incarnate. That is just some heavy shit right there.

Super Dish

2010-02-06T09:00:00.001-04:00

There's a big game this Sunday, in case you hadn't heard. It's going to be huge. The Bruins are in Montreal for a match-up against the Canadiens with implications for the playoff race.

There's also a football game. Colts versus Saints. Two powerhouse offenses led by two elite quarterbacks, Peyton Manning for Indianapolis and Dree Brees for New Orleans. Hanging in the balance is so fancy jewelery and something about Hurricane Katrina. People watch the Super Bowl for three reasons:

1) They like to eat and drink and possibly hang out with other people doing the same
2) No, DON'T speed through the commercials, this is a larger topic of conversation the next day
3) Betting cold, hard cash

As of Friday, the Colts are favored at -5, and the over/under is set at 57. My advice to all gambling degenerates is to take the Saints at +5 and to take the over. It seems fair to say the Colts will win 35-31, which would make YOU the winner (unless you like the Saints personally). That's a solid investment for your child's college tuition.

Adaptation of Martians

2010-02-03T21:05:00.000-04:00

Turning books into movies is the most popular form of switching mediums, although you see the same with plays, comic books, television shows, etc. Adapting the work of a single writer (or sometimes a writer plus illustrator, inker, colorist, et al) into the work of many (screenplay writers, actors, director, producers, film editors, special effects gurus, et al) oftentimes means that nuance is lost. Probably fairly often you also lose the original motivation of the creator.

Perhaps the more interesting analysis is taking something in one medium and keeping it in the same medium. For example, you have the remake of "The Prisoner" that was running on AMC. You could also look at the new "Doctor Who" series, which is more of a generational reboot than a remake. There are also cultural remakes, such as "The Office," which was successful in the UK but exploded in popularity in its new American version.

This leads us all to this very interesting Slate article from a few weeks ago which discusses one of my favorite television programs of all time, "Life on Mars," and why the American version was so poorly received.

Britain is different in that they are content, in theory, to have a television program run less than five "series" (seasons for you and I). In contrast, with rare exception ("F-Troop," "Star Trek," etc.), American programs are deemed failures if they cannot go five seasons, the so-called bare necessary needed for syndication (this gives you roughly 100 episodes for the syndicated subscribers to cycle through). So while both "Life on Mars" programs actually had nearly the same number of episodes (16 for the original, 17 for the Yankee production), they had radically different resolutions, with the American counterpart scrambling towards the end to come up with a finale once the axe fell.

The U.S. "LOM" wasn't a bad show, but it wasn't on the same level of the U.K. version, and ultimately was lost with some other interesting ABC dramas like "Kings" and "The Unusuals," with solid concepts that apparently lacked mass appeal.

Howard Stern with David Letterman

2010-01-28T23:08:00.001-04:00

I see the moon

2010-01-25T22:46:00.000-04:00

Where in the fuck is Oscar Goldman?

2010-01-20T22:08:00.001-04:00

It has been somewhat amazing to watch the Democratic Party fall apart. The Republicans had a solid six years to shit up the country by running the House, Senate and White House; the Dems could barely squeeze out a year of tri-fecal control. The Donkey Party ran a candidate no one liked to replace one of the most beloved, and entrenched, public figures. One of the most heavily blue states voted in a Republican as a result. However, I don't particularly trust people that vote for the other party. Republicans vote Republican; fine. Democrats shouldn't vote Republican. I may not always vote Democratic but I won't vote Republican. That's like saying I don't like the way you prepared dinner, so I'm going to swallow glass.

The party of hand-wringers have already started collapsing like a Brand X paper towel/diaper/tampon under the pour of blue liquid. Senator Webb of Virginia delivered this beautiful gem:

In many ways the campaign in Massachusetts became a referendum not only on health care reform but also on the openness and integrity of our government process. [...] I believe it would only be fair and prudent that we suspend further votes on health care legislation until Senator-elect Brown is seated.

Breathtaking. The Republicans would have never conceded so easily. Slap the Democrats a little bit and the tears start flowing. They're scattering like insects under a falling boot. Only losers panic when they still hold the lead.

If you're a conservative; congratulations. You won't be raped by roving armies of liberals who steal your money to give heroin to Mexican children. If you're a liberal, well, in times like these it's good to laugh. Enjoy one of Canada's finest TV shows:

Read this

2010-01-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

From a news story:

In the text, [Starry] Sprenkle, 28, said she was her way to Port-au-Prince with her toddler daughter to meet her husband, Erlantz Hyppolite. Hyppolite, a doctor Sprenkle met in Haiti, was taking care of his dying mother, according to Wright.

Ignore, for a moment, the stripper/cartoon name. Who wrote that paragraph? Is it some kind of journalist? The person is someone named C. Johnson. Does he/she/it have an editor? Maybe it's just some college intern that had to write up a few notes. If you can tie your own shoelaces, that's good enough to get into a university.

He's worked hard for the money

2010-01-09T20:05:00.001-04:00

Nevada Democratic Senator Harry Reid had to apologize after it was revealed that back in 2008, he described President Obama as speaking "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." I don't see what the big deal is. I don't speak with an Oriental accent, unless I choose to. So solly, folgive-a me.

However, to me the money quote is from Reid's apology. He goes through the usual bullshit like "some of my best friends are black" and "Tyler Perry is really funny." Here's my favorite, though:

Moreover, throughout my career, from efforts to integrate the Las Vegas strip and the gaming industry to opposing radical judges and promoting diversity in the Senate, I have worked hard to advance issues.

What does that mean? What issues? What kind of radical judges? Radical in what way? What kind of integration? Are there more black girls walking around with quarters? Maybe more hispanics changing the bed linens? Also, the two most famous strip clubs in Las Vegas - Palomino and Girls of Glitter Gulch - are not located on The Strip. Food for thought?

Anyway, back on topic - Harry Reid is the epitome of uselessness the Democratic Party has come to represent in the 21st Century.